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:icondude-x-reader-fics:
First time critiquing a lemon~

Well, this is a very good story! I love the idea, it's very unique. I love how you incorporated some of the side roles (like hairdresser and teacher) into the roles of the other characters. It's very well structured too.

There is a fair few points where you can improve though:

Try to follow the basics of English writing
Use punctuation properly. At the end of a piece of speech don't just end it with a speech mark. End it with a full stop or a comma if it isn't a full sentence.

Make sure to put capital letters at the beginning of a sentence
I'm sure I only saw this happen just a couple of times throughout the whole piece, but it's essential not to make this mistake, otherwise it just looks stupid.

Try to avoid shortening words
This is a point which can be overlooked, but in some people's eyes it's wrong. Such as using the work "ok". It looks better when written "okay".

Avoid using numbers
Maybe it's just me, but I hate seeing numbers in pieces of writing, unless it's a huge number such at 587,395. So try using the number "2" less and write out "two" more.

Make sure to spell check
Almost everyone hates doing this bit, especially if you don't have a writing software such as Microsoft Word (like I didn't have until a year ago). But it's really essential, it can sometimes make someone hesitate to read the piece.

Try not to rush through
I know that you might want to hurry through the piece of writing to get to the lemon bit, but try not to rush the rest of the piece to get to the lemon. At the beginning you clearly stated that the reader got a haircut "like a boys haircut", but later on when the reader was getting changed you put "(h/l)" suggesting hair length. This just confuses the reader a little (it confused me also).

The whole story seems like everything is on fast-forwards. Remember, when building relationships then time skips are your best friend. Some friendships can be formed in one day, but love blossoms over at least four or five days. Since this is a lemon, and you've made the reader meet Gilbert along the way, then time skips are essential at these times. You can put in the whole of the first day, and then make a few days pass, make the reader give an overview of what happened over the last few days, then make Matthew tell the reader that he thinks they're a girl, then make Gilbert make the reader come over to his house. It makes the love seem more genuine, and seem less like just lust.

Also, the part of the lemon seems rushed also. Try to drag it out a little longer.
"He liked (licked) his lips in appreciation before placing one hand on your left breats (breast) and placing his mouth on the right, slowly licking the bud making you groan in pleasure. he did this for alittle (a little) while..." You have to really drag it out. Try avoiding "he did this for a little while".
It doesn't really give much of an impact to the reader. Since the awesome Gilbert is fondling the reader's breasts then it could be expanded to:
"He licked his lips in appreciation before placing one hand on your left breast and placing his mouth on the right, slowly licking the bud making you groan in pleasure. He swirled his tongue around the pert nipple, teasing you. After drawing out another moan from you he started to suck the breast, continuing to massage your left bud. His mouth left your right breast, and started to give your left breast some love with his mouth, whilst leaving the right one with his hand massaging it. He repeated his actions with the left breast, drawing out a few more moans of delight from you."
Remember that you can almost never go wrong with dragging out the sexual bits in lemon. Just don't repeat yourself.

Try to make sure there's plenty of teasing in there. It seems that Gilbert just fondles the reader's breast, licks the reader for a second, then he goes right in there. Again, drag it out more. Maybe Gilbert could make the reader almost climax then withdraw? That would put in a whole lot of teasing, but just don't make it like:
"Gilbert licked your vital regions and continued to do so until you were close to your climax before withdrawing"
REALLY drag it out. I seriously cannot stress this point enough. If there's a major problem with lemons then it's that they don't drag it out enough. If you REALLY want to make it a good lemon then drag it out and when making the person lick the lower regions then maybe make them finger them, its just a little more exciting that way.

Keep the characters in character and not too OOC (out of character)
(I probably should have mentioned this sooner but oh well) One thing is that Russia probably wouldn't warm up to someone as quickly as he did. And Prussia wouldn't admit to his feeling straight away, as I've said earlier that time skips are your best friend, Prussia would be a little more shyer when confessing. And he'd probably wouldn't be as outright as he is here. Maybe this is just my interpretation of him, but despite his massive ego, he's not very confident around the people he truly likes.

Expand on the senses and describe the surroundings more
Make sure to include taste, touch, smell, sight and sound. It makes for a good read. Describing the surroundings give the reader a more vivd picture in the mind, if you leave less details then the reader would probably imagine the settings themselves, but it makes a better read if the writer would describe the settings. Picture a place in your mind that you would like the place to be set in, then describe everything. The looks, how the room feels like when the reader's in it (cosy, empty, abandoned), and this one is less important but sometimes the smell is key. The smell might be key in a bedroom, as a character would be in the room a lot, their smell might be powerful in their room. For example, Canada (random example) would probably smell of pancakes and maple syrup. Be adventurous and creative, give Gilbert a smell that might be a lot like his character.

I might have put more improvements in here than good points (Might? Pfftt-), but I see true potential in this piece. You just need to pay attention to where you can improve.

A little tip to help you here is, write out a sentence, or a paragraph if you like. Then go through the points I've listed above, and make a sort of tick list. It would be less tiring than writing the whole thing out, then improving it later. It may seem like a long process and tiring and it may just be more effort than stringing together a piece then saying "there I guess that's good enough". It DRAMATICALLY improves your writing.

I hope that you take notice of this critique as I spent a lot of time into this (it's over 1000 words long!). I wish to see you improve. I can't wait to see more of your work~ and to see if you've listened to my advice. Thank you~
The Artist thought this was FAIR
44 out of 46 deviants thought this was fair.

Comments


:icona-cooke:
A-Cooke Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
w...wow thanks ^^; Iv'e never had a critique like this....This will help me so much thank-you for your kindness.....
Reply
:icondude-x-reader-fics:
Dude-x-Reader-Fics Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012
No problem c: I love giving people critiques, and whenever I read a piece of writing that has a critique requested, I think "Oh, this person wants to improve? Well I'll help them! ^^"

If you ever feel like you want to improve more, then just post a piece up that you feel needs improving. If you really want to improve, then I could be your beta-reader. If you don't know what one of them is, it's were you send a piece of writing to another person to read, they send the piece back with advice, tips, improvement and corrections. Just tell me if you're interested in having a Beta-reader and I would gladly help! ^^
Reply
:icona-cooke:
A-Cooke Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
sure I'd love it if you were my beta tester ^^...iv'e never had one... (as you can tell)
Reply
:icondude-x-reader-fics:
Dude-x-Reader-Fics Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012
Yeah! So if you ever need me to read anything over, just send me a note with the piece, and I'll give you a reply as fast as I can. I'm usually always online, so I'll be quick to reply! ^^
Reply
:icona-cooke:
A-Cooke Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
okay ^^...will do
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